NEW STUFF: METALSTORM - THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN (1983)

It’s pretty much a certainty that if you manage to become prolific enough that you will probably create something that constitutes a legacy. Exactly what that legacy is usually depends on the quality of what you produce. Charles Band is one of those guys who’s probably dyed his estate something ugly as he’s become more productive over the years. Quality is not something Full Moon is known for. I’m not one of those dudes who throws a blanket hatred over everything he’s done, but I’m not going to lie and pretend that “Evil Bong” is worth your time. I think the worst thing to happen to film within the last thirty years is that filmmakers became aware of what camp is and learned to use it as some sort of out for when they didn't want to bust their balls trying to squeeze blood from a stone. Now, instead of a short coming being something a director strives to over come by virtue of his ingenuity, he draws attention to it and exalts it as camp. Band pretty much churns out insincere goofs now-a-days, but that’s not to say he didn’t at one time produce some pretty good stuff. Case in point, “Tourist Trap” is worth anyone’s time.

I will admit that a lot of Band’s movies are surrounded by a force field of nostalgia for me. I know “Ghoulies” is a piece of shit, but fond memories of Jolt Cola fueled late nights and USA Network tag along with it. It’s kind of like when your best friend gets a shitty girlfriend, and you pretty much just make nice for his sake. Nevertheless, I’ve seen enough good films that Band had some hand in to make me take a chance now and again, whereas some people see his name or the Full Moon brand and avoid with vengeance. “Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn” was a total gamble, and I got cleaned out on this one. Now, judging by the trailer, this looks like it might be a lot of fun. Well, somehow, this movie manages to be totally boring. I can't even imagine the 3D theatrical release being a salvageable experience. This is total eject fodder.

Thanks to deadenddrivein for the trailer.