WITCHTRAP (MAGNUM ENTERTAINMENT - 1989)

Do you like "Witchboard?"  Of course you do, who doesn't?  Well despite this film being written and directed by Kevin Tenney of Witchboard fame, this motion picture is NOT A SEQUEL TO "WITCHBOARD!"  You will be alerted to this by a notice on the back of the handsome Magnum slip cover as well as a warning at the beginning of the movie itself.  This warning immediately succeeds a trailer to... wait for it... Witchboard.  But it's not a sequel.

It is impossible to begin to review Witchtrap without first addressing the sound, which is entirely dubbed.  Despite the movie's humble budget, (which was spent mostly on explosions, melt effects and Linnea Quigley), it is definitely a movie that wouldn't ordinarily be dubbed.  VHS Summer's own Max Dropout has a bit of insight into this from when he screened this film last year and spoke with the director - he may be able to provide an addendum as to why the original audio was compromised.  It certainly limits its effectiveness as a horror movie, but it adds a great deal of comedic levity, especially the one-liners from the main characters. (We had to get Kevin to the airport fairly early the day after the "Witchboard" screening, but we had breakfast at IHOP on the way to the airport. I was still groggy, and had a mouthful of pancakes when we talked about the audio, so my memory might be slightly warped. I do remember him telling me that the audio was lost -- but part of me recollects him telling me that it was actually stolen, which makes it even weirder. Who the fuck steals the audio for a film? That's an ultimate dickhead move since you can't really do anything practical with it. - M.D.)

The plot of the film surrounds a haunted mansion and its heir, Devon Lauter, who is bound not to sell or demolish it by the will of his deceased uncle, Avery Lauter  He is trying to rid the place of the lingering spirit of his uncle so he can turn the place into a B&B, and he assembles a crew to do the job.  Half of the crew are metaphysical types, half are detectives paid to run security for the operation, and Linnea Quigley is the A/V tech (niiiice!). From the get-go, it's fairly obvious who's going to live and who's going to die.  The story has some interesting points and is executed fairly well with some nice effects, but it's not really the plot that makes this a fun watch, it's the visual style and dialogue.

The banter between the detectives is hilarious.  With lines like, "He may be a walking hard-on with feet, but he's a good detective", and, "I wouldn't drink that if I were you... it's as flat as my ex-wife's chest", there's no shortage of laughs to be had, even if the viewer is laughing at, not with, these characters.  The main character, Tony Vicente, is the best casting job in the movie, by far.  He carries this movie with his partner, Levi Jackson, and their buddy cop vibe works pretty well.  The psychic-type people are thoroughly annoying with their pomposity and crybaby antics.  You start to really wish they would just die in dramatic fashion, which makes a few kill scenes extra enjoyable.  The antics of the Deliverance-worthy groundskeeper, Elwin, are perfectly peppered into the mix to provide a change of pace.

Overall, this movie has maximum camp because of the dubbing and is an interesting (enough) story with an engaging (enough) main character.  It has competent special effects and is visually pleasing from a technical standpoint. It's an interesting little flick that, like the spirit trapped in Laughter Mansion, will be confined forever to VHS.  Floating somewhere in the late '80s between "Witchboard" and "Witchboard 2," and featuring scream queen Quigley, Witchtrap does well to live up to its tagline "This time, it's not a game"....   wait, "game"... like a Ouija board? Last time!?!  JEEZ, IT'S NOT A SEQUEL!!

Sadly this film has no YouTube presence in English, however...

YOUNG WARRIORS (MGM/UA HOME VIDEO - 1983)

From the back of the original MGM/UA Home Video release:  “What do you get when you cross ‘Animal House’ with ‘Death Wish’? ‘Young Warriors’ – a unique combination of fraternity hijinks, high-speed action, wildly imaginative animation, and hard-drivin’ rock!”

About twice a year, I get some weird call from a company claiming that I won an automatic drawing, and that I have been selected to receive a speed boat, or some crap. Up front, I am totally into the idea, but when they tell me that all I have to do is come down to their warehouse and claim the prize, I automatically suspect it's just the cops trying to bust me for some awful thing I forgot I did twelve years ago. Now, the back of this box has the side show bark down. I was way intrigued by the idea of seeing Paul Kersey and John Blutarsky’s two-headed bastard kid. The proposal of such an unlikely meeting sounds amazing at first, but when you mull it over for a minute you realize you might be getting scammed. Well, since I wasn’t risking potential arrest, I jerked the curtain back, rushed in, and I am now very happy to report back to you fine people that this disgusting mutant baby is very real and not just a bunch of bullshit some yokel made out of paper mache to bilk you out of your money. This one is worth every penny!

Like I said, I was apprehensive that the box had written a check that was likely going to bounce hard, and I was even more skeptical when I realized this was directed by Lawrence David Foldes – a dude whose films are real hit-or-miss for me. While “Don’t Go Near The Park” is a total rager, Foldes was also responsible for the brutally crappy Linda Blair actioner “Night Force.” I was never as impressed by his work that had real money behind it. However, I walked away from “Young Warriors” with a new-found appreciation for the director. Calling this his best effort doesn't really convey how good a movie this is, as it towers high above his others. Granted, there are a few technical faux pas, but the action is rock solid, and it features some ideas that challenge the average rape/revenge mold.

"Young Warriors" tries to be many things, but it never worries about tastefully breaking down the wall of separation between all its elements. Other filmmakers might concern themselves with blending the college humor with the vigilante elements, so that everything feels congruous. Foldes doesn't give a shit about that, and that's why this movie is so great. There’s a satisfying mental whiplash when the film decides to shift gears, as one moment we’re treated to a hazing ritual where some guy is forced to shave his butt cheeks in order to garnish cocktails, and the next we’re getting run off the road in Rapesville U.S.A!  Instead of worrying about everything clashing, Foldes focuses on the quality and the effectiveness of the individual components. The comedy and the characters are good enough to have been from a great 80s sex comedy, while the action side is mean and gritty.

The story opens on a few light-hearted scenes which establish the bond between several characters as they make the jump from high school to college. Kevin Carrigan (played by lesser Van Patten, James) is our central character, inexplicably studying animation while running new pledges through a ringer. Following the vicious assault of his sister, Kevin has a hard time settling back into his usual antics. In fact, he becomes a violent dissident toward the college establishment and even his detective father for failing to bring his sister’s attackers to justice. Craving vengeance, Kevin and his frat brothers decide to form a vigilante squad, which prowls the city by night and (in theory) corrects injustices. However, they mostly just indirectly hurt innocent people in the process, or get their asses kicked. One of the most hilarious aspects of this “urban death squad” is that the frat house’s mascot – a poodle – rides shotgun for most of their patrols. These guys like the idea of justice, and they mean well, but for the most part these sheltered individuals don’t possess any real familiarity with real life violence. Instead, they're only upholding the idea of revenge as seen on TV and films, which does not mesh well with their reality. While our protagonists may have a noble cause, this is a film where the good guys really aren’t so good. In fact, they are contemptibly inept. This profound examination of vigilante violence was and still is very fresh, and is commonly overlooked by most of the film’s critics who discard it as shallow action fluff. There are some really wonderful ideas within the film, for which Foldes deserves more recognition.

Eventually, Kevin and his crew catch up with the guys responsible for the gang rape of his sister, and everything concludes in an unconventional and unhappy way. Foldes’ entire film not only questions Hollywood violence and the perceptions of law and humanity we derive from them, but his ending completely defies the usual clichés you might expect from films of this nature.

Hardly enough of a fault to bring the film down is Kevin’s scantly-featured cop father, played by Ernest Borgnine, and partnered with Richard Roundtree. What little on-screen time they have leaves us wanting more, but that’s not a terrible thing. Other noteworthy appearances include Mike Norris, son of Chuck, as one of the frat boys-at-arms, the phenomenal Dick Shawn as an animation professor, and Linnea Quigley.

NEW STUFF: BEACH BABES FROM BEYOND (1993)

It's a rule of thumb that if a trailer has nudity that the movie automatically gets a pass, no matter how shitty it might be. I can't tell you how many times Academy Entertainment wrangled me into seeing some lousy piece of shit because the trailer had titties all over the place. Case in point, "Back Stab," starring James Brolin. However, "Beach Babes From Beyond" has far more than a nudity packed trailer. It was also directed by one of my personal heroes, David DeCoteau, and stars Linnea Quigley amongst a bevy of other amazing names. This one also features Burt Ward, whom in his 90s incarnation was pretty much a harbinger of breasts.

SORORITY BABES IN THE SLIME BOWL-O-RAMA (1988)

I hadn't seen this since the ragged days of my brain-damaging teenage insomnia. Somehow, I never managed to pick this up as a rental, but that's probably a good thing. At 16, I had already developed a rabid lust for Brinke Stevens, and I would have burst a vital blood vessel over her shower scene.

An absolutely stellar credit in director David DeCoteau's catalog, "Sorority Babes in the Slime Bowl-O-Rama" starts off with two horny frat dudes cajoling a nerdy third into joining them for a peep show at the “Felta” Delta house. Upon arrival the boys are treated to a panty-shot paddling, administered by kinky head sister Babs. After the boys are caught spying, the Deltas force them to accompany the pledges during the next phase of initiation: the after hours theft of a trophy from the mall bowling alley. After breaking and entering, the kids run into punk burglar Spider. They procure the trophy, but a fumble busts the thing open and an imp appears to grant each of them a wish. It isn’t before long that their desires completely spoil, and the imp turns out to be a sinister force out for blood.

The average dummy might dismiss this film as simply being cheap and terrible, but DeCoteau demonstrates a powerful film making prowess by materializing a surprisingly strong b-film with an astonishingly low 90k budget. There’s something to be said for firmly holding the reigns of a multi-million production. After all, the larger the scale, the more corners there are for chaos to breed in. Still, I doubt most studio directors could make a film like this happen with such meager means. DeCoteau has made a routine of squeezing gallons of blood from a single pebble. The man is a superior artistic force.

The movie is also well-acted, given the material. Once again, just as a competent director can get a lot of mileage out of ten million dollars, a capable performer with top notch material usually wins out and probably walks away with more credit than they deserve. A great performer can take sub-par material and make it work. The charismatic Andras Jones, as chief frat nerd Calvin, turns in yet another likable performance. Most will probably recognize him as Rick, Alison’s brother from the poisonous “A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master.” Regardless of the material, Andras rises like cream in nearly every film he’s in. It’s a shame more frequent use of the guy was never made. Despite remaining fully clothed, Linnea Quigley shines as the deliciously bratty Spider. This is a red letter performance from Quigley, who's often cast off as mere scream queen. She's given more to do here than usual though, and it's very apparent that she isn't just a b-caliber actress, but actually has a fascinating and bizarre style. Michael Sonye, who plays the delightful Mengele in "Surf Nazis Must Die," surprises as the man responsible for the Imp's ghetto Big Bopper voice.

The copy I own was recently rescued from Salzer’s Video in Ventura, California, where it had once proudly occupied the Cult section. At some point in the last decade or so, Salzer’s management created another section which they preposterously dubbed, “Offensive.” It was there that “Sorority Babes” had languished until I had it snatched. I’m not exactly sure why this film was deemed offensive, but I blame the neo-puritans and their regressively moralistic views. There’s nothing offensive about this film unless nudity makes you uncomfortable. Personally, when I think offensive, the extremity of “Salo; or the 120 Days of Sodom” aggressively hedges out the bullshit paddling scene from “Sorority Babes.”