TERRORVISION (1986)

I was actually going to kick this off by saying that "TerrorVision" is arguably the best thing that Charles Band has ever been associated with. But I realized that statement isn't at all fair to this movie since by those standards diarrhea on a hamburger bun would kind of rule, too.

Written and directed by Full Moon alumni Ted Nicolaou, "TerrorVision" is an exceptional success amongst hundreds of failed attempts at camp value. Most wannabe cult efforts crash and burn due to the glib hipness of their producers, and this explains why Ted’s movie works. There is nothing remotely cool about Nicolaou, and therefore the movie is free of pretention. This is strangely intentional cheese without delusions of cult status. Ted may not be cool, but at least he’s not a douchebag. I have a feeling I could do cocaine off a stripper’s ass with good ole’ Ted, whereas having dinner with the "happening" assholes who made a piece of shit like “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” would be like taking the SATs while 8 months pregnant and standing the whole time.

There are two types of people in this world. There’s me, and then there’s a bunch of fucking idiots. Fucking idiots don’t get this movie because fucking idiots don’t have a sense of humor. Sadly, fucking idiots make up the majority of the population. When you’re lampooning popular culture you’re bound to alienate general audiences. Nicolaou wrote this movie with a contempt verging on John Waters’ vitriol. Take, for instance, the film's protagonist family: a Reagan era post-flower child batch of liberals who douse their kids with drugs so they won’t misbehave and fuck up their swingers parties. This is obviously an embellished stereotype, though it is valid. Eighties American excess is rendered here with both spite and amusement, making for one of the oddest satires ever produced. This is more than just a bad movie: this is a gleefully black comedy with some fun B-movie elements thrown in for good measure.

In what has to be one of the greatest "B" casts ever assembled, "Rock N Roll High School" administrator Mary Waranov and Meat, from "Phantom of the Paradise," play the commonly dysfunctional Putterman parents. Rounding it out, Randi Brooks and a man-hungry Alejandro Rey appear as a pair of unfortunate swingers who wind up at the Putterman's opulent den of perversion. However, Jon Gries, who plays O.D. Riley, Suzy Putterman’s head banger boyfriend, burns this shit down. This guy kicks ridiculous amounts of ass. Gries is instantly recognizable from a number of films throughout the eighties, but he’s probably most memorable for playing a werewolf in both The Monster Squad and Fright Night Part 2.

This movie also has one of the most annoying fucking theme songs ever, by L.A. art rock band The Fibonaccis. Surprised it didn't turn up at Waco. If you want to ruin someone's day, find a copy of this movie's title track and crank that shit.

THE ZERO BOYS (1986)

They should have called it “The Zero Bras” because none of the chicks in this movie seem to own one. This, of course, is much to the film’s credit, especially because it features the terminally adorable Kelli Maroney in bouncy mode, whom fans of eighties b-horror will automatically recognize from “Night of the Comet” and “Chopping Mall.”

After sitting through this, I’m not sure whether Nico Mastorakis deserves a slot on my favorite directors list, or a stiff shove down a long flight of stairs. While I own several of his other efforts, this is my first exposure to a director whom I could see becoming a guilty pleasure. I just couldn’t decide if this was a work of ineptitude, in the vein of Fragosso’s Troll 2, or if the director was satirizing the slasher genre. You’d have to get disbelief really wasted before you could take the sort of advantage of it that these dumb ass characters require. Some of the shit that happens in this movie is so fucking stupid that I can’t imagine anyone writing it without a sense of humor.

Another weird genre hybrid, Mastorakis cross-paginates action with horror here, as paintball champions The Zero Boys make irrational decisions that leave them stranded in some remote cabin, where they are stalked by its homicidal occupants.

At one point while watching the movie, my roommate commented, “I was sitting here wondering ‘why did they just go into the cabin and make themselves at home?’ But then I remembered, ‘hey, they’re the paintball champions! I WISH the motherfuckers who owned that shit would come back!’” That about sums it up.

A lot of the cast went on to work with Jim Wynorski on a somewhat regular basis. The film also features Tom Shell, who played trusty punk Smeg in “Surf Nazis Must Die.” Also, keep your eye out for the prolific Joe Estevez as Killer #1. And no, this movie has nothing to do with awesome 80s hardcore band The Zero Boys.