CRUISING HIGH (1976)

Boy, nothing says “street tough” like a swinging organ, huh?

Too watery to qualify as a nail in JD schlock’s coffin top, this movie merely douses the genre’s casket in hot pink paint. When I first got this tape, I was hoping for a homosexual high school drama based on Friekdin’s “Cruising.” Instead, I get the tepid mess left over after Jack Webb gives Rod Serling a handjob. Not as cool as it sounds, though.

Originally released under the tough-as-nails title “Cat Murkil & The Silks,” "Cruising High" follows the exploits of possibly the pussiest gang to ever mince through the mean streets of Santa Maria, California. Okay, first of all, what the fuck is a Silk? How is naming your gang after a “soft, lustruous” fiber supposed to strike FEAR in the hearts of your adversaries? What, are they trying to intimidate them with the threat of an AIDS cough?

The story focuses primarily on neurotic sissy-boy Eddie “The Cat” Murkil as he attempts to keep a reign on the gang following the death of the Silks’ general. Though the film is chockfull of unintentionally hilarious moments, it is David Kyle’s hideous performance as Murkil which violently thrusts "Cruising High" into Camp Classic territory. Kyle’s performance is so laced with awfulness that he manages to transcend his respective medium to become one of the worst artists of all time. Seriously, the guy comes off like a denim Cagney who took a crash course in street slang from Greg Brady.

Kyle also made a minor appearance as Judith Myers’ boyfriend in the original Halloween. Following a ten year stint as a professional actor, Kyle eventually quit the business and joined the ministry. The founder and executive director of “Mastering Life Ministries,” he also went on to host the weekly television program “Pure Passion,” while also ministering those who suffer from “sexual brokenness” internationally. No shit.

Other than a score that sounds like it was performed by Frank De Vol on weed brownies, the film also features appearances by Derrel Maury (Massacre at Central High), John Ashton (Beverly Hills Cop), and Meegan King (Humanoids from the Deep), who for some reason plays his character like some S.E. Hinton greaser. Nevertheless, the movie probably would have benefited with him in the lead role.

"Cruising High" also yields the racial slur of the week: Taco Bender.