HAMBURGER: THE MOTION PICTURE (1986)

My good friend Daniel Fried has a criteria by which GREAT film must abide. He refers to it as “THE THREE B’s”: BOOBS, BLOOD, and BAD WORDS. This flick may substitute gore with burgers, but it's still one of the most amazing fucking things I've ever seen. Hamburger: The Motion Picture is the story of a fellow by the name of Russell, who also happens to be one of the most relatable dudes in all of cinematic history for me, because bitches just won’t leave the guy alone. I mean, he can’t go anywhere without getting laid. Which sounds like it might be cool to you, because you don’t have that problem. But for guys like Russ and I it can be a real hassle. I remember one time I went grocery shopping and all I got was a bunch of melons.

Anyway, Russell has been expelled from numerous colleges over the years, due largely to “nude” conduct. When his last straw goes up in smoke Russell is left with no other option than Busterburger University, a trade school that teaches you the ins and outs of fast food chain management. I don’t want to spoil the movie for you, but it has more getting it on than the Old Testament and a lot of racial insensitivity. This film is perhaps most notable for Dick Butkus calling a black guy “dark breath.”

If you were weaned on late night cable TV during the 90s, you might remember an eviscerated cut of this film popping up on USA Network's UP ALL NIGHT program, hosted by both Rhonda Shear and Gilbert “The Fifth Ramone” Gottfried. Even in its neutered state the movie reaches a profound level of stupidity that would have required drug-damaged genius to concoct. However, the uncut version contains some nudity that is germane to the plot. It's not often you get a movie where the boobs actually tell a story. And speaking of breastesses, Randi Brooks also stands out in an over-the-top in-the-buff performance as Mrs. Vunk. A must-see for anyone who remembers her from TerrorVision.

Hamburger was directed by Mike Marvin, who, coincidentally, also wrote “Hot Dog… The Movie.” Marvin was also responsible for cult favorite The Wraith. Check out this trailer.