NEW ARRIVALS IV: THE HOLY SHITTENING

Ladies and gentlemen, "The Boneyard" has come home to daddy. Starring Normal Fell and Phyllis Diller in minor but noteworthy roles, this rarely seen 1991 horror comedy follows a b-team as they attempt to thwart a pack of zombie children fouling up a morgue. Amongst the vast number of dumbass zombie movies out there, this is a gleaming gem. The story is original, the production design is memorable, and the special effects exceed what you'd find in your typical low budget horror film by miles. Of course, that has a lot to do with the fact that this was directed by James Cummins, who also did the effects on films such as "House," "Swamp Thing," "The Beast Within," "Dead & Buried," "Enemy Mine," and a slew of others. It's criminal that this guy never had the opportunity to make more films. He's done enough quality work to deserve having his name mentioned more frequently.

The innovatively titled TV movie “Copperhead: The Snake Movie” found its way into one of my boxes this week. Shot in 1983, the film follows a family of swamp dwellers whose leader enjoys filleting snakes for fun. Eventually the snakes get pissed and seek revenge against the family. Apparently, MANY snakes were actually harmed during the making of this film. The fact that this is a TV movie makes me think it’s going to kill.

"The Incredible Melting Man" is gross, but in a very fun way. Steve West returns to Earth after passing through the rings of Saturn on a NASA expedition. Once he returns though, he not only starts to melt, but develops a passion for cannibalism.

I have not seen "Curse of the Blue Lights" since 1988, when it first hit direct-to-video horror shelves. Available reviews are biting, but I recall a fun plot and some great effects. This lowest of low budget action horror flicks follows a pack of teens fighting a coven of monsters and zombies living beneath their local cemetery. A fun one, but I have a feeling my recollection of the film has been betrayed by the retarded kid in me.

I got really excited when I saw Nico Mastorakis’ name over the title of this film. I got even MORE excited when I learned he didn’t direct it. I can’t explain the logic in that, but "Grandma’s House" looks pretty awesome. This one has somehow managed to elude me until now.

I literally got goose bump when I received Cannon’s Ninja trilogy in the mail earlier this past week. Fuck "Sukiyaki Western Django!" "Enter the Ninja" has Franco Nero as a fucking NINJA! Here, watch this and learn something, assholes!

The sequel, "Revenge of the Ninja," has absolutely nothing to do with the characters or the story in the previous films for some reason. And neither does "Ninja III: The Domination," which is part Ninja ass-kicker part supernatural thriller. Journey deep into the churning bowels of this cinematic mash-up as an unwitting American chick is possessed by the spirit of a powerful assassin. If you're not sold yet, then you better run motherfucker!

More awesome martial arts action arrived, this time via South Africa, with "Kill Or Be Killed," and its wretched pseudo sequel "Kill and Kill Again," both starring James Ryan. I struggled to find trailers for these, but failed, which bums me out because they are some of the best I’ve ever seen for any action movie. Here’s a short TV teaser.

I have been searching for 1988’s "Prison" for many years now. This is another one I haven’t seen since it hit the straight-to-video shelf. Somewhat of a rarity on tape now, I'd avoided this purchase for a while because it was cost-prohibitive. In spite of the fact that this was directed by Renny Harlin, it’s actually very good, and after you get a gander at just the trailer, you’ll be left wondering why Harlin's "A Nightmare On Elm Street 4" looks like such a candy colored turd. In "Prison," the malevolent spirit of an executed inmate returns to cause major problems. This is a must see for fans of Viggo Mortensen. Check it out:

The box for this one looks like bullshit, but I am SO happy to have found "Girly," aka “Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny, and Girly.” Directed by Hammer alumni, Oscar winner, David Lynch DP, and all-around God of photography Freddie Francis, here’s a plot synsopsis from IMDb.

“A wealthy, fatherless British clan kidnaps bums and hippies and forces them to participate in an elaborate role-playing game in which they are the perfect family; those who refuse or attempt escape are ritualistically murdered.”

Fuck. Yes.

A bunch of “St. Elmo’s Fire” type faggots wind up in a mystical, murderous wax museum in this surprisingly gory little sleeper hit. While 1988 was a GREAT year for horror, it was possibly the genre's last GOOD year. "Waxwork" is definitely a 1988 notable, which is saying something considering all the cool stuff that hit video stores and theaters around that time. Until this week, the 1992 sequel was all I’d had in my collection.

The 1980 Italian horror thriller "Screamers" sounds like another Moreau ripoff. Here, fleeing convicts land on an island which is inhabited by some scientist who splices fish with men because calling Brinks for a home security system would be way too much trouble. I’m guessing the version I have has some added American footage, because the original Italian release, entitled “Island of the Fishmen” doesn’t have Lord Cameron Mitchell in it. The box for the Embassy Home Entertainment release I have is incredibly deceptive, featuring a skinless man in unbuttoned trousers, with the caption, "they're men turned inside out. And worse... they're still alive." I wanted to see THAT fucking movie, but whatever. Here’s a trailer.

Two important rules of thumb: 1) a week without a Media Home Entertainment release is a sad week indeed, and; 2) if a lot of people like something it probably means it is horrible. "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" is not only a Media release, but it is universally reviled as one of the worst movies ever made. That probably means it kicks ass.

Find of the week: "Zombie Nightmare" starring Adam West, Jon Mikl Thor, and Tia Carrere. The soundtrack features Motorhead, Girlschool, Thor, Virgin Steele, and motherfucking Pantera. Enough said, my friends. Couldn’t find a trailer, but you can watch the first few minutes of the movie here from the MST3K episode, which featured the film. Enjoy.