THE STÖNED AGE (1994)

You can most likely credit the "The Stoned Age"’s brazen tagline, “better than Dazed and Confused,” for perpetuating the long-standing feud between fans of both films, as the similarities between the two are superficial. Thematically, they have a few things in common, while tonally they are nothing alike.

"The Stoned Age" is decisively comedic, whereas "Dazed and Confused" takes "Carrie" and transplants psychic violence and boobs with musings from an episode of “Thirtysomething." I generally quantify a film’s value by one factor: re-watchability. I have seen "The Stoned Age" close to thirty times by now. I’ve seen "Dazed and Confused" once, and have no desire to revisit it. In fact, I’ll probably high five Tarantino over key bumps in a men's room before I sit through that piece of shit again.

The only thing "Dazed and Confused" has going for it is that it has Alice Cooper on the soundtrack. Actually, Alice and I were out on the green the other day, knocking back some brews and hitting some balls around when the topic of this movie came up. Alice actually turned to me, his eye twitching and a nine-iron in his hand, and he said, "Max, I swear on Reagan's grave, that if I ever see that motherfucking son of a bitch Linklater, I'm going to give him a colonic with this Callaway club!" Scared the shit out of me, man! That said, Linklater can Rotoscope my dick going into his mouth.

BAM, RICHARD! That is how you write dialog, asshole! That scene CURB STOMPS your coffee shop witticisms! Fuck you AND the conveyor belt of dicks that constantly runs into the back of your throat! I acknowledge only one "Suburbia", sir, and it is NOT yours.

You know, when I get to the gates of heaven, I am pretty sure I’ll find myself looking up God’s skirt as he reads off a laundry list of why I can’t come in. And right as he gets to the part about me pressuring that heart patient into oral sex only days after she had her transplant, I’ll interrupt him by saying, “Hey, wait a second. Aren’t you the asshole who mauled a bunch of children with a pack of bears for making bald jokes about Abraham? And what about the flood? And aren’t you also the guy who invented cancer?” God will nod, and grunt as he ponders. And after several moments, he'll say, “Yeah. I made cancer. But at least I didn’t make 'Slacker.'”

Yet another film that was often seen on USA Network’s Up All Night, "The Stoned Age" follows Joe and Hubbs, a couple of rock n' roll rebels, in their relentless, cut-throat quest to get wasted and bang fine chicks. Check this bad Oscar out:

Everyone is awesome in this movie, but nobody touches Clifton "Fuck you, I'm handsome" Collins Jr., who plays gross-out king Tack. B-efficianados also take delight in Renee Allman's nude scenes. However, in spite of numerous references she DOES NOT look like the 14-year old girl from the cover of the Scorpions' "Virgin Killer" LP. There are also a few awesome cameos in this flick, including Eric Bloom and Donald Roeser, who appear post-credits as a couple of bootleggers trying to sell Blue Oyster Cult t-shirts outside of a mini-mart.

We here at the Tower of Fundon have come up with a drinking game for "The Stoned Age." The only thing you’ll need a case of Colt 45 and a copy of the movie. Take a drink anytime any of the following things occur:

1. Someone says “WORM.”

2. Someone says “FINE CHICKS.”

3. Someone says “TALLS.”

4. Someone says “JUST SOME DUDE.”

5. Anytime you hear “Don’t Fear the Reaper” by Blue Oyster Cult.

6. Someone says "CRUMP'S BROTHER."

7. Anytime anyone mentions "The Virgin Killer" album.

8. Anytime "The Schnapster" appears.

9. Anytime you see the big floating eyeball (the painting on the Blue Torpedo does not count).

10. Someone says "SKANK WEED."

11. Hubbs says "YOU'RE BLOWIN' IT."

If you're feeling particularly adventurous, you can take the "THE VHS SUMMER BRASS MONKEY CHALLENGE," for which you will need at least TWO 40s of Old English malt liquor per participant. Drink each 40 down a half-inch past the top of the label, and then refill it with orange juice. Happy barfing!