HORROR OF THE BLOOD MONSTERS (1970)

Holy shit, is that Brother Theodore doing the voice-over for the trailer?

There are a lot of so-called Al Adamson fans who don't really care for this movie. One turkey even said that it's not one of Adamson's prouder moments. I'm having a hard time finding an analogy that defines the sheer idiocy of this statement. What I will say is that it takes an especially damaged person to appreciate a dark alley. To these people, the "quality" of a particular alley way is based around its respective refuse and distinct aroma. A dark alley is bad to begin with, but you love it for all of its repugnance, and you develop a distinct appreciation for every disgusting quality that makes it what it is. There are even some people who get off on having someone take a dump on their chest. I imagine if they're getting shit on it's probably a good day, but I'm also sure that the "shittee" grades the dump according to consistency and the diet of the "shitter." I guess what I am trying to say without insulting Adamson's work is that it's weird when someone refines their shit-loving preferences to a point where they become hyper-critical of it. Not sure where I'm going with this, but I do I think it's silly when people are picky about his work, which is largely considered awful by most mainstream film fans. I dunno, that still sounds insulting toward Adamson, but I really don't mean it to be because he's one of the guys who made me pay attention to actual directors in the first place.

This movie is unintentionally psychedelic and a shit load of fun. Perhaps one of the best party movies ever to exist, alongside "Just For The Hell of It." Adamson's original footage is augmented by a hodge podge of stuff from other movies, including the likes of a 1956 Filipino film called "Tagani," which Adamson owned the rights to. I'm not super knowledgeable about the film, but I think that's where those cool bat pygmy creatures are from. I love those things.

Trailer courtesy of DeadEndDriveIn.

NEW STUFF: MAKING CONTACT (1985)

An early one from Roland Emmerich about a psychically endowed kid who makes contact with the spirit world following the death of his father. I'm actually surprised I've never seen this one, because as a video store clerk my eyes were always drawn toward the box art. From what I'd gathered, this looks like a kid-friendly supernatural thriller in the spirit of "Cloak and Dagger."

Trailer courtesy of ModCinema.

NEW STUFF: ARMED RESPONSE (1986)

I miss living in a world where a guy like Fred Olen Ray could get 1.5 million dollars to make a movie where a decrepit Lee Van Cleef and the perpetually geriatric David Carradine are passed off as a legitimate threat. This is just glorious horse shit. Also starring Michael Berryman.

Trailer courtesy of MMXXIII.

NEW STUFF: THE WIND (1987)

Meg Foster plays some broad who thinks she can write. Well, that shit doesn't fly with Wings Hauser, who proceeds to handle things by using the only method he’s familiar with: psychological terror. David McCallum ("The Man From U.N.C.L.E.") and the wonderful Robert Morley also somehow wound up in this thriller directed by Nico Mastorakis. Someone called this slightly Giallo. This looks very promising.

Trailer courtesy of AussieRoadShow.

SHAKMA (1990)

There once was a time when you could completely trust the community of people responsible for lifting something toward cult status. Sadly, the popularity of "Shakma" represents a gaping chink in my faith toward connoisseurs of trash culture. I am completely baffled by this film’s popularity. The plot is actually pretty great: a bunch of D&D-loving med students are LARPing in a campus building after hours when an experimental baboon gets loose and makes the game very real. It even has Roddy McDowall. How could this not work out? Well, compare it to similar successful films about killer apes and it’s pretty apparent. Take the 1986 Orang-amuk classic "Link" for example, which takes the necessary time to develop relationships between the main characters and the animals. The Link character for instance is sort of sad and sympathetic, and his intelligence makes him incredibly likable. So, when the beast ultimately turn on his keepers, you feel entirely invested. Plus, it had a naked Elisabeth Shue. The problem with Shakma is the total absence of exposition or character development. The film’s hero, Sam (played by Chris Atkins of "The Blue Lagoon" fame), apparently has some sort of connection with the baboon, but they don't give us anything to chew on, whereas Shue's character in Link has a great deal of compassion for an animal she feels is being treated inhumanely. Ella, from "Monkey Shines" is seemingly motivated by jealousy and possessiveness. The Shakma character is just a huge asshole. The nature of the experimentation that Shakma is subjected to is also pretty vague. We just know he’s made to be a super aggressive creature for reasons unknown. Why the fuck would you augment an already aggressive animal with SUPER AGGRESSION? For this movie to mean anything they really needed more story behind it. Instead, what we get amounts to a shitty slasher movie with a monkey. Bottom line, I didn't give a fuck about anything going on in this movie.

Another huge problem is that baboons are butt-fuckingly ugly. They are probably the least cute of all monkeys. Ella and Link's cuteness counter balances their viciousness. Shakma on the other hand is hideous and his wang is flapping around for the entire movie, which is pretty distracting. Like they couldn’t have gotten him a diaper or something?

The ending is pretty clever, but it's impossible to extract any sense of gratification or sadness for man or beast from it. The one thing that actually pisses me off about the movie is how dumb the characters are in spite of the fact that they're in med school. Seriously, they expect you to believe that people who are typically acing killer exams are suddenly dumbasses. And yet somehow they couldn't have shoe-horned some titties into this thing? There are some nonsensical things I am perfectly willing to believe in, such as breasts in unlikely places. There's a difference between a movie that is ridiculous and one that relies on flat-out stupidity. Respectively, one is colorful and the other is boring. Shakma is just stupid and plodding. Lastly it just has that awful 90s feel to it. Check out the trailer.

Seriously, "Shakma" is an incredible disappointment. As a film, it's not worth the money you'll shell out for the tape itself. See the severely underrated "Link" instead. Here's a list of reasons as to why this is some good advice:

1) Strong script and actual characterization.

2) Terrence Stamp kicks ass.

3) Elisabeth Shue is all like, "TA-DOW!" I imagine she smells like angel food cake, and being in her arms would seem like sleeping in the womb of a cloud that popped out of god's ass. Whenever I see her, I just want to lay my weary head against her bossoms, which I imagine are totems full of sweet, sweet dreams.

4) No distracting monkey wang.

5) Link is adorable.

6) It's Cannon.

7) It’s ridiculous, but not dumbed down, and therefore fun.

NEW STUFF: DEADLY FORCE (1983)

Good god, if the greatness of this movie could be extracted as some sort of chemical compound, I am fairly certain it could be used to enrich the crop soils of the world, thus ending famine for all time. Who would have thought that a guy who did a movie about Helen Keller could have produced an action film of this quality? When I first ran across this movie, about an ex-rogue cop (Ex! He's not even just a ROGUE COP! How fucking tough is that?!) played by the greatest man to ever live, Wings Hauser, who comes back to L.A. to stop a serial killer, I was skeptical that it could really be that great. The elements were there, but could they align to create something that lived up to the potential? But then I saw Sandy Howard's name, the producer behind "Vice Squad" and "The Devil's Rain," and all fear was vanquished, and I knew this was probably going to rock my face off, and that it did. The plot is a little convoluted, if not preposterous, but that's why it's good.

WHITE HOT (1989)

Robby Benson proves to be a threat on multiple levels in the thankfully dated “White Hot,” a vaguely moral tale about the bummers of 1980s materialism and casual drug. Benson not only directs and sings several ill-placed songs here, but also stars as the film’s protagonist, Scott, an unemployed yuppie whose finances are crumbling beneath the weight of his girlfriend Vanessa’s (Tawny Kitaen) high-end lifestyle.

When word gets back to king pin Charlie Buick (Danny Aiello) that hot shot pusher Butchie is blaming him for all the weak ass cocaine he’s been peddling, Buick quickly dispatches his reluctant nephew, Angelo, to whack the bum. Butchie hears about the hit and decide to blow town, and strange circumstances lead the dealer to appoint the financially strapped Scott as his stand-in for the next few weeks. Scott reluctantly accepts and contrives a clean excuse to explain his absence from home.

Vanessa eventually finds out what Scott is really up to. She’s initially angry, but when she sees how much Scott is taking in, she falls in line. Eventually, Vanessa becomes a liability when she gets hooked on the crack supply. This leads to Vanessa’s infidelity, as she starts fucking dudes to meet her appetite for narcotics. From there, we follow Scott down a dark path of drug fuelled destruction and ultimate revenge.

This film has an odd saving grace in the form of the Vanessa character, who is so overbearingly realistic that she stomps out Benson’s litany of hilariously awful creative choices. Generally, female characters either fall at one far end of a spectrum, and rarely in between. They are either infuriatingly naïve and pure, or they’re evil right out of a Marvel comic. However, there is nothing remotely comic bookish about Vanessa. She epitomizes the sort of mean craziness I have routinely experience in real life. For instance, she goes on a coke binge and then fucks a bunch of dudes. When Scott finds out, she turns the tables, and pulls a victim card out of thin air like she’s motherfucking David Blaine. Scott is somehow a bastard even though he finds her naked, in his bed, with two dudes, and he deserves to suffer for it. Bold exhibitions of total bat shit female logic such as this provide a mantle of realism which grounds the rest of the story.

Like almost any film of this scale and from this period, appreciation is entirely dependent upon how realistic your expectations are going in to it. As it stands, “White Hot” is an entertaining time waster, but it could have potentially been a very good film. The script is character driven without very minor character development. The parallels between Angelo and Scott, as well as Scott’s metamorphosis from average Joe into hardened criminal are sadly wasted opportunities. The movie also suffers from tonal calamity. Aiello’s nonsensical face off with comedian Judy Tenuta is a glaring example of the damaging variety littered throughout the first part of the film. The unintentional laughs are always worth something, but the performances are fun the payoff is satisfying. This is worth a look for fans of 1980s anti-drug PSAs.