Tuesday, May 4, 2010


Ladies and gentlemen, the world has yielded numerous great pairings through the ages, such as alcohol and depression; cocaine and professional sports; third world children and Walmart; small pox and blankets; violence and women. Great things, yes, but all pale before the marriage of the horror film and the greatest musical genre ever known to man, HEAVY METAL!

There’ve been enough horror metal movies to establish a sub-genre, with notable efforts including “Trick Or Treat,” “Black Roses,” “Rocktober Blood,” “Terror On Tour,” and a slue of others. However, “Shock Em Dead” may well be the best and worst of them altogether. This movie’s porno-caliber production values make “Rock N’ Roll Nightmare” look like a goddamn Cecil B DeMille affair. Hell, it even features the star of “Beverly Hills Copulator,” none other than Traci Lords. Between her and the worst title graphics since “Super Hornio Brothers,” I was kind of blown away that dicks weren’t flying at the screen the first time I watched this.

"Shock Em Dead" tells the story of Martin, a geeky pizza slinger who plays shitty guitar on the side and dreams of rock stardom. But when Martin lands an audition with Spastique Kolon, his delusion is castrated by the band’s prancing faggot singer, and he is laughed out of the studio. Just when Martin is ready to throw in the towel, a chance encounter with a voodoo priestess makes his dreams come true… though it may cost him dearly.

This is a favorite amongst many of the people who visit the Tower of Fundon, which is what I call my VHS chamber. It’s one of those flicks that stands up to repeat viewings, thanks largely due to extreme shreddage and tons of boobies. I’ve cued up a key scene for the uninitiated, featuring Spastique Kolon playing their smash hit “Virgin Girl.” Take special note of Johnny, the lead singer, who gets punted off the stage shortly. Now, if you’re one of those sensitive PC types, you’re probably dwelling on the fact that I called him a faggot still, aren't you? Well, once you get a load of this guy I’m sure you’ll totally agree that this dude makes Rip Taylor looks like a hardass. I’m pretty sure even genuine homosexuals would even think this dude is a total fag. But seriously, Markus Grupa, who plays Johnny, is easily one of the best things about this movie.

All the songs in this movie are fucking incredible! How has nobody covered “Hairy Cherry” or “I’m in Love With A Slut” yet? Incidentally, Martin’s playing was actually executed by guitar virtuoso Michael Angelo Batio. My friends and I used to laugh at his instructional videos, which is actually how I found this movie. Well, who’s laughing now? Still me, I guess. Dig the sick motherboard finish on his killer "twin joined" ride.

By the way, if you ever run into Stephen Quadros, who plays Angel Martin, do not bring this film up as he will probably shadow kick your fucking bowels out. Quadros, also known as “the fight professor,” went on to become one of the world’s leading martial artists, and now provides commentary for Strikeforce, K-1, and Pride. The dude also went on to choreograph a lot of major action films.

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