NEW ARRIVALS V: THE POSTMAN ALWAYS SUCKS ASS

Our Texas sun is blazing like the nail on God’s middle finger, slicing through homeless flesh like a potato peeler and murdering central air-illiterate elderly with a searing “fuck you.”

Any time it breaks so much as 90, my piece of shit mailman decides to head on down to the creek. According to him, the credo doesn't cover extreme heat, so while he’s frolicking in shaded waste water, hundreds of my dollars are melting in his Hitler oven Jeep. Between rain and humidity, I haven't received many tapes in the mail over the last two weeks. And though this latest batch is small, it offers an abundance of train wreck-like intrigue.

"Saturday the 14th"'s title is an obvious rip on the "Friday the 13th" franchise, but this farce borrows far more from the classic Universal brand of horror than anything from its own period. After a family inherits an old dark house, they find themselves at odds with a vampire played by the wonderful Jeffrey Tambor, who is desperately seeking a tome of evil hidden somewhere in the home. The kids stumble upon the book and end up uncapping dark forces which boil to a head during a house warming party. Similar in plot to William Castle's original "13 Ghosts," this sucker goes for Zucker & Abrahams style laughs rather than suspense. This is a particularly noteworthy film for cult fans since it was written and directed by odd-ball Howard R. Cohen, whose writing resume includes "Emmanuelle V," several of the "Deathstalker" movies, and the "Rainbow Brite" tv series. The fact that they'd let a dude who wrote shitty soft core and bad fantasy anywhere near something that might influence children is just totally awesome.

For some reason, Cohen decided to return seven years later with "Saturday the 14th Strikes Back." I don't know why this sequel happened, but I'd speculate this film was solely funded by some ruthless Arab millionaire with horrible taste who thought the first one was the proverbial "القرف." I can't quite explain it, but this movie seems to illicit a violent reaction from most viewers. In fact, it's probably been responsible for a mountain of child and spousal abuse cases. It's kind of like the cinematic equivalent of "Gloomy Sunday." The sophomore follow-up is also, ironically, a hotbed of sophomoric humor. While it manages to assail the viewer with more stupid, punny bullshit revolving around Universal monsters, they do include some up-to-date cultural references. More of a re-imagining than a true sequel, this story follows the Baxter clan as they move into a house located over a portal of evil. Now, admittedly, I own some movies for strange reasons. While I am a fan of Cohen's, I like this movie mainly for Jason Presson, whom most will recognize from awesome 80s sci-fi fantasy film "Explorers." I became a fan of Presson's following his stand-out performance in the phenomenal and often overlooked "Lady In White." He's one of those actors who didn't really do much, but still managed memorability. Even when he was in something bad, I loved the guy. Also, I could be wrong since I haven't seen this in over twenty years, but I do seem to recall a weird Angus Scrimm cameo, where he plays an evil umpire here. Correct me if I'm wrong, folks. That said, here's the trailer for this piece of shit.

The sadly over-looked "Sisters of Death" also arrived this week. Shot in 1972 for cheap, this proto-sorority slasher features a lot of interesting ideas long before they became cliché by 80s standards. In this story, sorority sisters are invited anonymously to a reunion years after an initiation resulted in the death of a pledge. The production design is particularly pleasing, and helps achieve a distinct and compelling atmosphere. No trailer, but you can watch the entire film here:

I still have vivid recollections of USA Network’s pre-Up All Night premier of "Mausoleum." I mean, they really beat this piece of shit over our heads non-stop. This thing was to USA what "Beastmaster" was to TBS. "What's that? The dog show got rained out? Throw on 'Mausoleum'!" This is your typical 80s possession fodder, but it still manages to be fun, and has developed its own sense of camp with time and perspective. There is just one thing that this supernatural thriller has going for it that no other does. That thing, of course, is MARJOE FUCKING GORTNER! Hands down, Marjoe makes everything fucking awesome. He is the golden calf of shitty movies. When I went to go see "American Ninja 3" on opening day, and I realized Michael Dudikoff was not in the movie, I got so pissed that I tried to start a fire in the theater. And then Marjoe appeared on screen, and all was right with the world. Kind of like that scene in Selena, where Selena calms the riotous crowd in Mexico with that awesome split screen bullshit. So, really, fuck Mausoleum. Bobbie Bresee can go to hell with her ridiculous stories about the producers setting up bleachers so the crew could watch her during her sex scene. They were there to WATCH MARJOE!

"Revenge of the Radioactive Reporter" sounds too much like a "Toxic Avenger" ripoff if you ask me, and maybe that's how it wound up in the Troma archives. So, some journalist ends up pissing off the wrong people when he ventures to expose a nuclear power plant's environmentally hazardous practices. The corporate baddies toss the asshole into some toxic ooze, and voila, he comes back with a fucked up face and an appetite for vengeance. I've never seen this one, and quite often it goes for ridiculous prices on eBay. Somehow, I lucked out and snagged a very pretty copy for four bucks or so. The up-side to drug abuse is that tweakers with cool stuff sometimes get desperate for cash. Check out this best-of-kills clip.