Sunday, October 28, 2012


After years of voice work and regularly appearing as the middle square on the bottom row of Hollywood Squares or more importantly attaining a cult success with his character Fred Rated in over a thousand commercials for Federated Electronics, Shadoe Stevens finally decided to grace the world with his leading role debut in "Traxx." As soon as I picked up the box and read the first sentence of the summary I knew I was in store for pure gold.

Shadoe Stevens (who, if you’ve never seen him kind of resembles a lighthearted Klaus Kinski meets Lethal Weapon era Mel Gibson) portrays a mercenary for hire who goes by the name Traxx, but after a brief montage of him single-handedly annihilating enemy forces in Central America and the Middle East he decides that he wants to follow his true passion and go into the cookie baking business. After moving to a small Texas town called Hadleyville, he hits the kitchen to develop the perfect recipe. But soon he discovers that he has no idea how to bake cookies and ends up spending all his money on failed concoctions of various baked sludge. So to obtain capital for his cookie company he decides he’s going to offer his mercenary services to the police department of Hadleyville who is overworked with rampant crime and corruption. Actually the town resembles the New York from "Death Wish 3" more than any small southern town ever; full of brothels, gangs, and a powerful crime lord running the streets the police chief and his bumbling department have no other option but to accept Traxx’s fee for being a self proclaimed “Town Tamer."

Upon his first encounter with fighting some of the towns street thugs he befriends one of them and offers for him to become his sidekick in return for showing him around the seedy underbelly of Hadleyville. Traxx then proceeds to go on an insane rampage of justice, involving blowing up entire buildings and leaving a massive trail of destruction in the streets, yet he still finds time to admire his reflection and work on his cookie recipes. In the aftermath of one of his street cleaning sessions the morning sun is shining down upon a completely demolished city street with bodies of dead criminals strung up everywhere and somehow the geriatric residents are not only okay with this but are thrilled. The mayor(played by b-movie and tv actress Priscilla Barnes) however is not keen on Traxx’s methods and wants him arrested, but upon meeting him turns into a drooling nympho-maniac, practically humping his leg. The mob boss is also not happy about Traxx’s town taming and decides to hire three psychopathic brothers to kill Traxx, however this subplot is one of the least coherent parts of the movie and devolves into nonsensical scenes of them riding around in a car while crossing over the Mexican border.

One of the most bizarre scenes in the movie however is when Traxx pays a visit to the home of the crime boss Aldo Palucci and interrupts him getting a flaccid handjob from his lover. Upon pointing a gun at him he obtains an erection and Traxx leaves, but on the way out runs into a strange frat boy with neon punk hair wearing a diaper who says he is Aldo’s son. The movie doesn’t take itself too seriously, yet remains just unaware enough of its self to be incredibly funny on a whole other level and at times resembles the surreal insanity exhibited in his work in the Fred Rated commercials.

The movie ends with Traxx rescuing a kidnapped little league team and opening up a popular cookie bakery in town despite his foul cookie baking skills, complete with a cameo by Wally Amos, better known as Famous Amos, buying some of Traxx’s cookies.

We couldn't find a trailer online, so here's a sample of great scenes from "Traxx."

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