VHS HALLOWEEN - DAY SEVENTEEN: WARLOCK (VIDMARK - 1989)

I love this movie so much that I even shelled out a ridiculous amount of money for the horrible tie-in game for Sega Genesis. Bet ya didn't know there was a "Warlock" game for Genesis, did ya? Well, very few people did. But rest assured it wasn't very good.

This is yet another fish-out-of-water horror flick, featuring a Warlock who barely escapes his public burning via time travel porthole which hurls him three hundred years into the future. Unfortunately, Redfern, the daring and gamy witch hunter, leaps into the mystical maelstrom after him. Once the Warlock lands in modern day Los Angeles, he receives orders from a possessed Mary Woronov to assemble the Devil's grimoire, which has been broken up into several individual pieces. The completed book contains the true name of god, and if uttered backward will undo all of god's creation. While this movie definitely rules, I always thought that was the dumbest shit ever, unless Satan himself is a suicidal numb skull who just wants to end it all. At any rate, modern girl Lori Singer (Footloose) winds up being hexed after a brush with the Warlock, which makes her age very quickly. The curse is called REALITY. This forces her to team up with Redfern to hunt down the Warlock so she can be restored.

Bottom line, this movie is all about Julian Sands. The guy is value added to whatever piece of shit he happens to be in. He doesn't always necessarily save the movies he's in, but anytime he's on screen it's always going to be automatically watchable. Sands is truly an underrated modern great. Someone needs to dust this guy off.

They made two sequels, both of which bummed me out.

NEW ARRIVAL: ROCK 'N' ROLL HIGHSCHOOL FOREVER (1991)

A blasphemous follow up to the original cult classic, "Rock 'N' Roll Highschool Forever" is indirectly entertaining and hilarious due to its own failure. Considering that this was written and directed by Deborah Brock, the woman behind the phenomenal, mind-bending "Slumber Party Massacre 2," this should have been a surreal explosion rather than a flat out unstable mess. I kind of wish they’d have gone "Decline 2" here and put WASP or the shitty metal version of T.S.O.L. in the movie. Somehow they wound up trading down from the Ramones to fucking Mojo Nixon. Also, fuck Mojo Nixon. I read all these reviews, which were probably written by a bunch of 38 year old Matt Pinfield looking douchebags who probably regularly drench the mattress in their mother's basement over the first Royal Trux LP, who all say that the Mojo Nixon shit is worth suffering through this movie for. That's like telling a straight man that sitting through an entire gay porn is totally worth it because there's a really awesome eight guy train fisting scene at the end. I mean, really? Mojo Nixon? Come on, Deborah! You’re from Austin! You could have gotten the Butthole Surfers, or the Dicks! But nooooo. Instead, we get this guy.

Boy, I never get tired of that. Corey Feldman is kind of like Poochie the rockin’ dog here, skateboarding and dancing around like Michael Jackson, while hooting like a retard. He pretty much embodies all demographics and winds up appealing to absolutely no one.

Mary Woronov is the only returning alumni from the original film, and for some reason they completely waste the opportunity by placing her in a roll other than Evelyn Togar. It seems to me that if you’re going to make a sequel and you’re fortunate enough to get one of the original cast back, that the logical thing to do would be to place them in the part of a returning character. Way to go, Concorde!