NEW STUFF: METALSTORM - THE DESTRUCTION OF JARED-SYN (1983)

It’s pretty much a certainty that if you manage to become prolific enough that you will probably create something that constitutes a legacy. Exactly what that legacy is usually depends on the quality of what you produce. Charles Band is one of those guys who’s probably dyed his estate something ugly as he’s become more productive over the years. Quality is not something Full Moon is known for. I’m not one of those dudes who throws a blanket hatred over everything he’s done, but I’m not going to lie and pretend that “Evil Bong” is worth your time. I think the worst thing to happen to film within the last thirty years is that filmmakers became aware of what camp is and learned to use it as some sort of out for when they didn't want to bust their balls trying to squeeze blood from a stone. Now, instead of a short coming being something a director strives to over come by virtue of his ingenuity, he draws attention to it and exalts it as camp. Band pretty much churns out insincere goofs now-a-days, but that’s not to say he didn’t at one time produce some pretty good stuff. Case in point, “Tourist Trap” is worth anyone’s time.

I will admit that a lot of Band’s movies are surrounded by a force field of nostalgia for me. I know “Ghoulies” is a piece of shit, but fond memories of Jolt Cola fueled late nights and USA Network tag along with it. It’s kind of like when your best friend gets a shitty girlfriend, and you pretty much just make nice for his sake. Nevertheless, I’ve seen enough good films that Band had some hand in to make me take a chance now and again, whereas some people see his name or the Full Moon brand and avoid with vengeance. “Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn” was a total gamble, and I got cleaned out on this one. Now, judging by the trailer, this looks like it might be a lot of fun. Well, somehow, this movie manages to be totally boring. I can't even imagine the 3D theatrical release being a salvageable experience. This is total eject fodder.

Thanks to deadenddrivein for the trailer.

THE UNRULY GENT presents: ARENA (1989)

The Unruly Gent has returned to VHS Summer with his rapier-like madness, this time to carve the bowels out of the Charles Band-produced "Arena." This one was directed by Peter Manoogian, who also helmed "Seedpeople" and "Demonic Toys." Call me crazy, but I've always thought that John Buechler's alien creations in this looked pretty cool despite the fact that they move with Palsy-like grace. Take it away, Gent.

TERRORVISION (1986)

I was actually going to kick this off by saying that "TerrorVision" is arguably the best thing that Charles Band has ever been associated with. But I realized that statement isn't at all fair to this movie since by those standards diarrhea on a hamburger bun would kind of rule, too.

Written and directed by Full Moon alumni Ted Nicolaou, "TerrorVision" is an exceptional success amongst hundreds of failed attempts at camp value. Most wannabe cult efforts crash and burn due to the glib hipness of their producers, and this explains why Ted’s movie works. There is nothing remotely cool about Nicolaou, and therefore the movie is free of pretention. This is strangely intentional cheese without delusions of cult status. Ted may not be cool, but at least he’s not a douchebag. I have a feeling I could do cocaine off a stripper’s ass with good ole’ Ted, whereas having dinner with the "happening" assholes who made a piece of shit like “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” would be like taking the SATs while 8 months pregnant and standing the whole time.

There are two types of people in this world. There’s me, and then there’s a bunch of fucking idiots. Fucking idiots don’t get this movie because fucking idiots don’t have a sense of humor. Sadly, fucking idiots make up the majority of the population. When you’re lampooning popular culture you’re bound to alienate general audiences. Nicolaou wrote this movie with a contempt verging on John Waters’ vitriol. Take, for instance, the film's protagonist family: a Reagan era post-flower child batch of liberals who douse their kids with drugs so they won’t misbehave and fuck up their swingers parties. This is obviously an embellished stereotype, though it is valid. Eighties American excess is rendered here with both spite and amusement, making for one of the oddest satires ever produced. This is more than just a bad movie: this is a gleefully black comedy with some fun B-movie elements thrown in for good measure.

In what has to be one of the greatest "B" casts ever assembled, "Rock N Roll High School" administrator Mary Waranov and Meat, from "Phantom of the Paradise," play the commonly dysfunctional Putterman parents. Rounding it out, Randi Brooks and a man-hungry Alejandro Rey appear as a pair of unfortunate swingers who wind up at the Putterman's opulent den of perversion. However, Jon Gries, who plays O.D. Riley, Suzy Putterman’s head banger boyfriend, burns this shit down. This guy kicks ridiculous amounts of ass. Gries is instantly recognizable from a number of films throughout the eighties, but he’s probably most memorable for playing a werewolf in both The Monster Squad and Fright Night Part 2.

This movie also has one of the most annoying fucking theme songs ever, by L.A. art rock band The Fibonaccis. Surprised it didn't turn up at Waco. If you want to ruin someone's day, find a copy of this movie's title track and crank that shit.