Wednesday, September 8, 2010


In Boon Collins' 1986 movie, “Abducted,” a woman gets nabbed during her morning jog through the woods by a father-son duo of mountain men in search of a bride. The son, Vern, who has been almost exclusively reared in the savage wild, goes absolutely cuckoo for rapey-puffs when he gets a gander at this taught-legged piece of womanhood. Joe, the father, appropriately played by Dan Haggerty of “Grizzly Adams” fame, is the moral one in the scraggily pack, and keeps his son from test driving those childbearing hips. In fact, Joe attempts to return the girl to where she belongs, but Vern cuts him off at the pass and leaves his poor, old dad for dead. Joe manages to get his shit together before his son can consummate his marriage and Vern gets shoved off a cliff to a rocky death… or so we presume.

I’m easily wrangled into Lifetime Network movies. In fact, there was a period during the 90s when the channel almost felt like it was dedicated to heavily-edited soft core and exploitation movies. Almost everything they showed had something to do with stalkers, pedophilia, drugs, rape, or they had Patty Duke digging up Indian corpses in her back yard. It may have purported to be a network for women by women, but it wasn't operating under the delusion that chicks hate smut. I was introduced to “Abducted” at 1a.m. on the Lifetime following an episode of Unsolved Mysteries. As a teenager, slumber would live or die by the television schedule, and this particular movie actually kept me wide awake until its very conclusion, primarily because the sexual tension between the film’s female protagonist and her horny buck-skin clad captor was surprisingly effective. It's like I usually say, every movie tends to get one or two things right, and "Abducted" definitely evokes a genuine sense of discomfort at certain points.

I’ve seen “Abducted” referred to as an exploitation piece by some, but I personally always thought it felt more like a TV movie shot in Canada. In order for something to qualify as “exploitive,” I think the film maker has to really glorify the subject at hand. There’s no actual rape in this film, only the threat of rape. The female protagonist is never portrayed as a sex object either, even though she is obviously the object of Vern’s primal desires. Basically, there’s nothing sexy about this film. There are probably scads of Hicksploitation flicks that dabble in similar plots packed with tits and hillbilly gangbangs. This barely scratches the surface of how truly horrific a tale like this could have been. It still manages to be compelling without ever getting cheap, for better or worse. However, exploitation it is not, instead fitting snuggly amongst the seedy-but-relatively tame tales of empowered females that Lifetime is usually known to offer.

I’m not sure who put Boon Collins up to making “Abducted II: The Reunion,” but I’m not going to lie about being absolutely ecstatic that it exists. I pretty much eat sequels alive. In fact, in my eyes, no matter how poor the original or follow ups are, a pathetic attempt at creating a franchise with crappy sequels will legitimatize that property in my eyes for some bizarre reason which I cannot fully explain. It probably has something to do with the fact that that I am an obsessive compulsive completist. For instance, you have no fucking idea how violent I feel toward the individual who stole my copy of “Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning.” That movie fucking blows, except for the nudity, but I have a powerful affinity toward the original “Friday the 13th franchise. I accept part 5 in all its crappiness because a) it has Miguel Nunez Jr. of "Return of the Living Dead" fame singing soul music to his girlfriend while he’s on the can with diarrhea, b) it has Shavar "Dudley" Ross from “Diff’rent Strokes,” c) it has awesome titties, and d) it’s one part of a franchise. Every time I walk by that blank spot between “Final Chapter” and “Jason Lives” my right eyelid spasms violently. But I digress…

The strangest thing about the "Abducted II," other than the fact that it even got made, is that it steps out of its predecessor's shadow. It's similar to how "Robocop 2" had a comic bookish vibe of its own. Once again, it's still relatively tame, but there's an obvious attempt at offering up blatant sex appeal. The girls menaced by Vern aren't exactly character driven this time. In fact, we simply get three firm but bouncy girls whose every step and pose borders on sexual innuendo. They're practically slasher movie victims rather than clever heroines. Here’s an example of what I'm talking about. The oddly cast European actress Raquel Bianca plays Vern's choice pick this time out. She bides her time and tries to avoid pissing her captor off, often playing submissive. In the scene below, Raquel decides to check out her new digs after slipping into something a little more comfortable.

Hey, nothing weird or inopportune there. Just, you know, taking an erotic bath in my new cave.

This movie was made EIGHT FUCKING YEARS after the original was made. Why? I have no idea. The first movie leaves no smoldering questions in its wake. But the likelihood of a sequel to the relatively obscure original film should have been nil, which makes the fact that it happened a very special occurrence. I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth, but when a colt pops out of an elephant’s massive vagina, well, that’s really something to take note of!

Yeah, that’s right, Vern, once again played by Lawrence King-Phillips, survived that insane fall at the conclusion of the original film, and he’s hornier than ever. Meanwhile, Joe has rejoined society, and pops up as a hunting guide for Jan Michael Vincent. Believe me, this turns out better than you could possibly hope for.

You just saw Dan Haggerty and Jan Michael Vincent fist-fighting. That’s up there with witnessing the majesty of two unicorns fucking under a delicate hail of cherry blossoms. And this isn’t even the best part of the movie, my friends. There is much, much more.

A cluster of buxom campers have unwittingly chosen Vern’s raping grounds for a vacation spot, so it’s no surprise when he absconds to the rape cave with one of the girls. The girls attempt to rescue their friend, but they suck, so it’s up to Dan Haggerty to kick his son’s ass once again.

Really, I only have three complaints about this movie. The first is, it could have used lingering nudity. Second, Vern looks way too clean to be a mountain man here. Hill people should always look like they roll around in feces and tree sap. Here, Vern looks kind of like Atreyu, or like he fell into a vat of Prell. He’s just way too well trimmed. Third, King-Phillips turns in a delightfully over the top performance as the depraved Vern. In fact, he is exactly what I imagine what Vern would be if he’d been thrown off a cliff onto a bed of jagged rocks only to survive. Now, that, ladies and gentlemen, is what I call motherfucking acting. You probably noticed I said that was my third complaint, right? Well, the thing is, King-Phillips is great, but there's just not enough of him in this movie. His part is just way to thin, and while he makes the most of his screen time, it leaves you wondering why the fuck they didn't make him a more prominently featured part of the movie. I watched this thing for fucking Vern. I don't care about the chicks in peril, especially if they're not going to get naked. Bottom line, I wanted more Vern.

And remember fellas, the next time a chick tells you that she wants to be friends, just keep in mind what Vern would say.

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