THE ENTITY (1981)

Before the dark cloud of progressive illiteracy drenched Hollywood in its oppressive shade, there were sunnier days, when studios would pillage books for film ideas. I’m not sure how everything got so grim, but it probably has a lot to do with the film industry’s bloated structure, and their unwillingness to gamble on untested properties. That would involve risk, and at their current critical mass, one false investment could bring the whole precariously stacked mess crashing down with a visceral splat. That’s probably the logic behind the remake trend. Stuff like “Halloween” or “A Nightmare On Elm Street” already have built-in audiences. Why bother beating your own path out when someone else has already done it for you? There are still great, original scripts out there waiting to be realized. A remake of a proven formula, though, usually can’t lose. In challenge there is potential failure. Why chance it? As of this entry, there are even plans to remake “The Entity,” which is ironic since the original film was based on the novel by Frank De Filetta (“Audrey Rose,” “Dark Night of the Scarecrow”), who also adapted his work for the screen.

"The Entity" is probably one of the most heavily discussed horror films of all time. I’ve seen it put down as shoddy by some and revered by others as a feminist masterpiece. I saw “The Entity” for the first time in my early teens, and it evoked within me a genuine sense of dread and discomfort.

The movie focuses on Carla Moran, a single mother of three children, who inexplicably finds herself the sudden and target of spectral rapists, which repeatedly assault her throughout the film. Carla eventually finds herself questioning her own sanity when she seeks the aid of practical science. But when her children witness one of the assaults, she seeks out an alternative explanation. Soon, Carla finds herself caught between a group of well meaning paranormal investigators and a down to earth psychologist who’s grown emotionally attached to her.

There are a lot of potent ingredients that help this thing over hurdles to make it an effective horror film. The foremost driving element is Charles Bernstein’s nerve-rattling score, which almost feels like a tribute Bernard Herrmann’s work on “Psycho.” Bernstein, who should be considered amongst the best film composers of all time, elevated the quality of numerous cult and genre flicks with his scores and themes. Bernstein is also responsible for creating the iconic score for “A Nightmare On Elm Street.” Bernstein’s work on “The Entity” may well be the one thing that keeps this movie from eating shit, though. In fact, I think it makes the movie feel bigger than it actually is.

Barbara Hershey’s performance as the overall frayed Carla is this film’s other main flotation device. In fact, most of the performances in this film are strong. While “The Entity” is definitely augmented by great performances, a fantastic score, and an interesting topic, the actual story telling is pretty muddy. The monotony of the movie is only slightly cured by the jarring rape scenes. That might sound fucked up, but let’s face it, no one goes to see a horror movie for the exposition. You’re there to see the creepy shit happen.

One element that really bugs me about the story is that they never really explain why Carla has been targeted by these entities. The attacks begin abruptly and that’s all there is to it. In fact, there is one scene where the doctors ask Carla why the spirits have chosen her. Her response carries a hint of arrogance and sexual confidence that makes me wish Carla were more of an unreliable narrator who might actually be a nut job.

I’ve never read the book (though I own it), so I have no idea how it flows, but I suspect the script is a painfully condensed version of the story. I often find authors who adapt their work for the screen usually aren’t very good at editing for the screen. The whole thing usually winds up a casualty to the writer's desire to remain faithful to the source material.

The bright spots are almost tarnished by an ending that squats right over them and unleashes a three foot tide of total shit. It is truly the largest unintentional middle finger any movie has ever delivered. Check this out: so, these paranormal goofballs concoct some bullshit proto-T2 plot to trap the entities by building a replica of Carla’s home inside the local University gym. The set is outfitted with robotic arms that will capture the ghosts by hosing them down with liquid helium. You got that, right? LIQUID HELIUM. THEY'RE GOING TO FREEZE THE GHOSTS. Of course, shit goes awry and Carla narrowly escapes as the spirit is encased in a virtual polar cap, which it then proceeds to slowly fuck its way out of. Ultimately, it's a non-ending, and basketball season is pretty much fucked for that school. It's so bad it's infuriating. I think they knew that, too, because the film ends with the entity delivering the best movie quote ever that isn’t uttered by Kurtwood Smith.

"The Entity" is a marvelous book-end to 1979’s “The Amityville Horror.” Both movies are based on popular non-fiction novels. Both are incredibly flawed, but still effective and atmospheric. Both also have horrible fucking endings. And certainly not least, they both feature young Natasha Ryan, who plays Amy Lutz in “The Amityville Horror.”

Like "The Amityville Horror," "The Entity" was based on supposedly true events. The Carla Moran character is a composite of the real life Doris Bither, a woman who claims she was subjected to supernatural sexual assaults during the early 70s. Interestingly, Doris believed there were three entities, two of which would hold her down while a larger one would rape her. In the film, Carla has three children; two girls, and one boy. Doris had four children, one female, three males. The number of boys obviously correlates with the number of entities responsible for her rape. I always thought the gender of Doris’ children was somewhat relevant, and probably shouldn’t have been changed. Doris also seemed to have some familiarity with the entities, and was quoted as saying that they were Chinese. One of the most awesome aspects of the Bither case is that the eldest son claimed that the paranormal activity would intensify whenever he was blasting Black Sabbath or Uriah Heep. You can read about the case right here. You can also find an interesting interview with the middle Bither son on this site.

Over the years, many productions that dared delve into the supernatural world have encountered mysterious on-set problems. The foul luck which beleaguered both "The Exorcist" and "Poltergeist" perpetuated the myth that both films were cursed for meddling with topics best left alone. Well, there were apparently some problems on the set of the "The Entity," too. During one particular scene, Carla is attacked by the entity. Her son, Billy, attempts to intervene and is hurled across the room by the unseen force, breaking his arm. This is based on an identical anecdote from Bither, who's son apparently broke his arm trying to fend off the invisible assailant. When it came time to recreate this scene on set, David Labiosa, who plays Billy Moran, actually broke his arm while performing the stunt. Simultaneously, a curtain rod in the background was ripped down, inexplicably.

For some bizarre reason, 20th Century Fox produced an Atari game based on “The Entity.” In this lame duck piece of shit, you play a spirit trying to get to the other side. It’s not very vivid, though, so I guess you could pretend you’re trying to get into Barbara Hershey’s vagina. The game was actually never released, but you can download it right here.

ROCK 'N' ROLL NIGHTMARE (1987)

Look, this isn’t opinion. It’s totally observational. When most people see a retarded person they gawk from the corner of their eye in utter revulsion. Meanwhile, their parents get the sympathetic smile and condolencing nod for their pitiable luck in the breeding pool. Served low-grade nausea by prejudice, most people will go out of their way to avoid interacting with Down’s syndrome children, objectifying them as nature’s misfires. But, if you’ve given them the opportunity to be humanized through basic interaction, you know they aren’t without charm. Generally innocent to a T and incapable of cynicism, their presence can be both refreshing and invigorating. Too simple to judge or deceive, I look at this good natured breed, which accepts anyone and everything with open arms, and I can’t help but think that a lot of the well-born motherfuckers are more handicapped by their cunning and selfishness than these people ever will be. Sorry, people, but retarded is right. So very few will ever understand the redeeming qualities of a retarded child by choice. In order to exist, antipathy requires a safe distance from its focus.

That said, Hitler probably would have steam shoveled my entire VHS collection into a mass grave on the basis that most of these movies are by average definition “flawed,” and therefore unredeemable. I have a strong belief that if Adolph had been provided a dissertation on the joy of bad movies, it would have saved a lot of lives. In the realm of cinema, flaws can redeem. They can be endearing. They can even entertain on a subtle level. People are similar in that respect. Now, don’t take that out of context. I’m not saying that the Jews are the human equivalent to “Blackenstein.” Besides, I’d rather sit through "Blackenstein" any day than endure some critically lauded bullshit like "Gone With The Wind." Perfection can be dull, honestly.

I’ve referred to the tapes in my den as orphaned children. I should clarify that my “orphanage” specializes in deformed and retarded children. These are “special needs” movies, so to speak. Given enough patience and understanding, even their manic pants shitting fits become part of their overall charm. True love is warts and all.

Of all the howling mongoloids lining my shelves, "Rock N’ Roll Nightmare" has demanded more time than many others, and I’ve learned to cherish this movie to the bone. A slim eye-over might yield the opinion that not much is going on underneath this movie’s jagged seams. I’d counter by insisting that this is an odd masterpiece of incompetence. The fact that this thing somehow reached some form of completion is miracle. This movie’s sheer ineptitude approaches the genius level. Its general clumsiness arouses a bizarre feeling of innocence and naivety that overshadows its adult nature. Sheer enthusiasm, unbridled by the pretense of how to make a good film, adds up to a euphoric mess. Technically, “Rock N Roll Nightmare” qualifies as the cinematic equivalent of “Botchamania.” Every fucking spot in this movie is totally blown, and to this day, after dozens of viewings, I’m still picking out things I hadn’t previously noted.

To really appreciate a movie like this you have to purge your mind of the negative connotation behind the word “mistake.” Whenever I watch this with friends, we acknowledge every flaw, but it’s not in a critical manner. To rectify any error in this film would greatly compromise its appeal. Indeed, every fuck up in "Rock N’ Roll Nightmare" is celebrated like the familiar face of a beloved friend.

The film launches into tedium almost immediately as rockers Triton wheel through the Canadian countryside toward a reclusive destination. Finally landing at a quaint farm house, we’re introduced to the band members and their hideous girlfriends. Everything works up into a supernatural game of ten little Indians, with band mates, girlfriends, and groupies falling victim to a sinister force. All this sounds simple enough, but then comes an ending that can only best be described as proto M. Night Shyamalan horse shit.

I’m going to ruin this for you, so stop reading if you really want to be “swerved.”

So, at the film’s conclusion, John Triton, played by the inimitable Jon Mikl Thor, is confronted by Satan, who kind of looks like Colonel Sanders. It is Beelzebub who has been bumping off his band mates in classic slasher fashion. Triton then reveals that he’s actually an ARCH ANGEL sent to smoke the Devil himself out by using HOLOGRAMS based on horror movie archetypes. Yes, that’s right, Satan fell for the bait! After a lesson in Mesopotamian Demonology, Jon Milk Thor CLASHES with his great nemesis in a battle that’s as close to epic as you can on a 50,000 dollar budget.

So, after sitting through seventy or so minutes of bullshit character interactions, we find out NONE OF IT REALLY HAPPENED. It’s the ultimate middle finger in the face of the audience, and it’s totally hilarious.

The main thing that continually blows me away about “Rock N’ Roll Nightmare” is just how poorly edited it is. I often tell people that watching terrible movies has taught me more about writing and directing than any fine cinematic achievement ever has. This is almost a text book example of what NOT to do, in terms of editing. I’m not sure what the fuck was going on in that cutting suite, but I suspect a lot of weed was involved. And I mean A LOT of weed. I’m talking pounds of ‘Lumbo, dude.

There are MOUNTAINS of unnecessary establishing shots littered throughout this thing, with characters walking from the house to the barn, and from the barn to the house. And they’re fucking long, too! There’s an establishing shot of groupies walking to the house, which is immediately followed by yet a SECOND establishing shot of them walking toward the same fucking house! And they’re like five minutes long! If you cut all of these shots out, the movie would probably clock in at around sixty minutes, so I suspect a lot of these drawn out back-to-back shots were probably there to pad the running time.

But it doesn’t stop there. The continuity is totally fucked. The audio mix is awful. The guy who did the score tries to pull some Bill Conti shit by overlaying his score over the soundtrack selections, only he has no fucking idea who Bill Conti is. The boom mic should have gotten a credit for all its screen time. The script is littered with illogical dialog, including this gem:

“That sounded like it came from down here... (without pause) Let’s go up stairs.”

Even the songs don’t make sense!

So, let me get this straight. Energy takes you where you want to be, and she’s where you want to be, because she gives you energy? How the hell does that even work? How do you get the energy to get where she is if SHE has the energy in the first place? What kind of mind games are you trying to play here, Thor?

And then there are the women. Jesus Christ, did you get a look at that keyboard? Looks like Rocky Dennis inseminated Sheila E. The fact that Jon Mikl is the hottest chick in this movie does not bode well for the prospect of female nudity.

I may kid Thor a lot, but he’s a super nice guy, and he’s still touring with a band. I’ve seen the guy perform twice, and it’s always a ton of fun, especially if you’re familiar with his catalog. Granted, his stage show has tamed considerably, and you won’t see him bending metal bars with his teeth or a precession of eighteen white horses, but it’s a beer drinking good time.

“Rock N’ Roll Nightmare” was directed by John Fasano, who was also behind the superior horror metal opus “Black Roses.” “Black Roses” is certainly a more competent production, but in spite of being vastly superior, technically, it’s still just as charming and enjoyable as Frasano’s first effort.

Surprisingly, 2005 saw the release of a sequel titled "Intercessor: Another Rock N' Roll Nightmare," once again featuring Jon Mikl Thor as arch angel Triton. I've never seen the movie, but fans seem divided on its worthiness. But considering that Evan "Pantsfish" Wade hates it, it can't be all bad, because that guy doesn't know shit.

Quote of the month: “whenever I see you doing something so domestic my boner can’t help itself.”

NEW ARRIVALS II

Lots of crazy stuff arrived at the Tower of Fundon this week, including a lot of tapes that I haven’t seen, which is always exciting.

I managed to get my hands on a copy of "Twilight People" for a decent price. I've seen this particular version of this tape go for ridiculous prices. A Moreau rip-off, this flick ditches all the moral grandstanding and gets to the damn point by cramming perverted freaks down our throat. Pam Grier plays the Panther Woman during one of her first film roles.

“Don’t Go In The House” might be a boring slasher copycat if it didn’t HAVE A DUDE KNOCKING PEOPLE OFF WITH A FUCKING FLAME THROWER!

Holy shit, "The Amazing Transplant" is about a dude who turns into a rapist after receiving a penis transplant from a questionable source. Sounds like "Mad Love," only it’s about dicks.

Joe Don Baker alert! "The Pack" sounds kind of like “Who Can Kill a Child,” but with dogs instead of stupid little kids.

"The Godsend" has often been accused of taking from "The Omen," but I think it borrows more from "The Bad Seed." At any rate, this one deserves another look from horror fans.

The box art for "Eyes of Fire" is particularly memorable, yet in all my schlepping around in the horror section as a kid I never was compelled to pick it up. Set against a Colonial backdrop, witchcraft seems to be the focus of this thriller. Check out this ultra-bizarre clip.

I don’t care what anyone says. Fassbinder crony Ulli Lomell fuckin' sucks. However, "The Devonsville Terror" haunts my childhood memories. Nice to have this one back.

Cameron Mitchell is the man, but "Nightmare in Wax" still doesn’t sound very good. I read a review on IMDB that said producer Rex Carlton actually borrowed money from the mafia to make these films, and killed himself when he couldn’t pay the debt back. Way to go, dude!

By all accounts "Blade of the Ripper" sounds like a stalwart Euro thriller. Meanwhile, the box looks like something Joe Spinelli would be in. Check out this awesome trailer. The music kills me. I have to watch this one soon.

Via Something Weird, "Bummer" is about a rock band exploits a bunch of groupies. However, their fat bassist can’t get laid and eventually snaps. Sounds like gold to me, but most fans of Friedman say this thing blows. We shall see.

"Avenger X," also known as "Mister X" was apparently a major source of inspiration for Bava’s “Danger: Diabolik.” Should be fun.

Score of the week: Larry Cohen’s “God Told Me To” follows a detective investigating a string of random violent acts, which all seem to lead back to a man claiming to be the second coming of Christ. Cohen manages to fuse UFO lore with Biblical mythology to create one of the most bizarre films I’ve ever seen. Keep an eye out for Andy Kaufman as a cop who goes apeshit during the Saint Patty’s day parade.