THE WASTELAND MALL SCORE

Today, Highland Mall in Austin Texas is only a former shell of what was once a hub of activities during the 80s. Now, only thirty percent of its spaces are occupied by commerce, and that is shrinking every day. Seriously, it has all the vibrancy of a rest home. No one’s really sure what’s happening with the place either. Management has made some pretty bizarre attempts to keep the place alive by renting it out for quinceaneras and teen fashion shows. Upstairs, they even let some shyster run a Saturday night variety show in the space that used to be some clothing store for fat ladies. Get this, the food court fucking serves beer! Even though this place is clearly struggling, whenever someone’s lease runs out they refuse to let the business re-sign. They even hedged out Dillard’s, which has since become a fucking FEMA headquarters! Just bad decision after bad decision has bent this once-great mall over a rail, and fused it in place. In fact, this place is so ravaged that I have taken to affectionately referring to it as "Wasteland Mall."

One of the last hold outs at Highland is a store called Gamefellas, a surprisingly large store that resells games for various obsolete systems as well as DVDs. They also have a wall of VHS toward the back along with a limited number of laserdiscs. When I first discovered them, I was shocked to find a number of old Paragon tapes still shrink wrapped.

I fast became the weird and probably only guy who bought tapes. I’d routinely spend 20 to 50 bucks at their store while the clerk shown a smirk like they were selling me a bridge to Manhattan. Eventually, the manager mentioned that they had several huge sheds full of tapes and he told me if I bought more that they’d continue to replenish the shelves. Apparently, during the PS2 days, Gamefellas ran a promotion, where if you brought in 100 VHS tapes for trade you could get a brand new PlayStation 2. They’d then go on to retail the tapes for 5 bucks a pop. Eventually, interest in their tape section waned, and they wound up stuck with hundreds of tapes – some of which were quite rare.

After several years, they stopped putting out new tapes, and before I’d walk out empty handed I would ask the manager if he’d consider letting me into those sheds he’d mentioned. Each time, he’d ask for my number and tell me he’d think about it. This same song and dance went on for five years – until last month.

I decided to take my friend Blake to Highland Mall, as I really enjoy watching people react to this absolutely desolate and depressing environment. Blake’s response would be the best since he used to go to the mall during its actual hey-day. The contrast was pretty stark for him, and he kept muttering, “dude, this is brutal.” Truly, if you’re looking for deals at Highland, turn right around. However, if you’re looking for a mall to kill yourself in, this is the place.

Before we took off though I decided I’d yank Blake out of the darkness and end on a brighter note by checking out Gamefellas. As I walked in, the manager and I connected eyes, and he said, “I’m about to make you a very happy man.”

                I asked, “Oh, yeah?”

                “Oh, yeah,” he said, “I actually lost your number and was hoping you’d come in here. We restocked the VHS, and we have a ton of other stuff in the back. I don’t do this for everybody, but you’ve been waiting like five years for this, so I’ll let you grab whatever you want.”

Within a few minutes, Blake and I had started sweating profusely with the fever of a mania as we hunkered between narrow steel cage shelves in the back of the store, pulling gem after gem from the shelves. For however oppressive the atmosphere at Highland Mall is, it was worth trudging through the despair to get to this exact treasure.

I walked away with around 60 tapes, including shockingly pristine stuff from the likes of Video Gems, Paragon, Media, and even Unicorn. Meanwhile, Blake broke the bank at 112 tapes.  Truly, this was a honey hole of the gods.

Here are just a few of the titles I snagged that day:

The moral of the story is that you just never know where you're going to find the next great hall. It could happen anywhere. You might find pure gold on some podunk gas station's spinner rack next to a Ray Stevens cassette display. Or even at some shitty estate sale. Or yes, even a video game store in a mall. You just never know, so keep your eyes peeled. 

SLAUGHTERHOUSE (1987)

Here on the bed of woe, pain snips through the opiate shroud, nicking my nerves and keeping me from sweet unconsciousness. In other words, some shit went down that left me bed ridden. Ironically, I'm in so much pain, though, that I can't sleep. The most fucked up part is that there's no TV remote in my bedroom, so I've been acutely conscious through TBS airings of "Drumline" and "Madea Goes To Jail." All week I've kept imagining Ted Turner channel surfing past his old Flagship station only to find Tyler Perry sashaying around in drag. Ted then gasps and fire poles into a casket, like Bruce Wayne into the Bat mobile, for a cathartic little spin. I know when I walk again, suffering will have made me stronger, crazier, and maybe slightly black, too.

This has been a foul week for me. Even the most minor details have snowballed into a steaming shit Frosty, magic hat and all. Not one thing has gone my way. Everything is breaking. And if it was already broken, it broke even more. Sweet VHS, too, has given me nothing but grief lately.

I may get the occasional lemon that doesn't quite live up to its advertised grade of quality, sure, but EVERY tape that arrived this week played like it had been spun from Frankenstein's asshole. You gamble with your trust on these things, and more often than not it pays off. But my unusually consistent losing streak could serve as an argument for cosmic bias.

Quality of the collectible is a big fat gray area when you’re talking VHS. In the realm of Video, the idea of a mint copy of anything is near mythical. Back when a lot of this stuff was initially retailed, it went for pretty hefty prices. If you look on the backs of a lot of these big box tapes, they sold for anywhere from 30 to 80 bucks. I can only speculate that very few consumers bought shit like "Devilfish" for their private library. Video stores on the other hand could eventually earn the investment back. So, most of the tapes I find are ex-rentals that some video store dumped.

You will often see tapes listed on eBay and Amazon for high prices at mere “Good” grade. However, the pictured item will yield evidence of sticker damage, fading, and general shelf ware from whatever Podunk Video rental center it came from. While I think that sort of damage is part of the charm, wear and tear like this would get most collectibles ranked “acceptable” to “poor."

So, when it comes to collecting Video, “good” is typically the best you’re gonna find. Beyond that, when you're talking tapes the criteria for “good” has a wider gape than a Manila hooker. Some of this shit looks like it came out of a battered women’s shelter. I can handle a few black eyes, but I draw the line if that bitch’s innards are scrambled.

I’m gonna lay down a little gospel on you people right now: if you list a tape as “good,” then that motherfucker better PLAY RIGHT! And I'm not talking about the occasional line or small break. Some wear is acceptable. Never mind the genre label on the box. Fuck the fact that the art is cut. What’s that? A “Be Kind Rewind” sticker? Pile those faggots on! I don’t care! If you list a tape as good and the box is pretty pristine, but the tape itself is a mangled pile of stratus, then you deserve to be duct taped to a chair and forced to watch the dismemberment of your family, and then released in health to let the memory haunt and eventually drive you into a poorly run state institution. It may sound harsh, and I’m sure I’m just possessed by pain right now, but fuck it: I’m legit pissed off about some of the shit these walking Friedman drawings pawned off on me.

So, earlier this week, I hobble to the mail box to find that a recently won copy of the 1987 slasher flick “Slaughterhouse” has come home. Hadn’t seen this son of a bitch in years, and I was really looking forward to reviewing it. I gleefully rip open the package and I’m flooded with hazy recollections of all-night Hungry Howie’s buddy bashes fueled by Jolt Cola. I remembered Buddy Bacon’s pig leg butcher knife. But the one thing that impressed me the most was that this is one of those movies that trumped its own cheapness with a strong dose of atmosphere. So, I fire up the projector, eager to contrast and compare my recollections. I pop that shit in. It’s a little shaky to start with, but fuck the FBI anyway, right?

And then comes the first trailer, for “Rolling Vengeance!” Fuck yeah!

Only Youtube makes that shit look like HiDef compared to what I was watching at that moment. The top portion of the screen looked possibly warped, while the machine chugged through huge gnarled sections of the tape. And when it was playing “clean,” I was still getting flurries of lines every five seconds.

I hit eject, turned up the flap, and the tape looked like that roast beef pussy you'd see in an issue of Hustler Magazine. The top of the tape was actually serrated. There was no harming this thing, so I pulled the guts out to see what else the casing was hiding. Almost every other inch was chewed up. Some dumbshit had even spliced an amazing number of breaks back together with FROSTED Scotch tape. I guess he was out of semen and toilet paper. Later, the tape ROLLED OVER, and went to black. After that, God had a good laugh and I slipped into the sleep of powerful depression. So, at least I got something out of it.

I can think of a lot of colorful descriptions for this acquisition, but this would have to come packaged between the breasts of an unconscious Shenae Grimes for me to call it “good."

I wish I had a fresh take on the movie, but I'm just going to have to wing it for now. One thing which distinguishes this from being what many have called "average slasher fair" is that the villains have distinct faces and personalities, owed most likely to the influence of Hooper's "Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2." However, the Bacon family are never quite as witty as the Sawyers. The antagonists were timely though, because these are essentially the sort of people that Willie Nelson was trying to save with Farm AID. They're defending their long-lived family livelihood from an encroaching modern world that doesn't give a fuck about real people.

The bare basics have the Bacon's pig farm approaching foreclosure, so daddy decides to unleash his fat retarded son, Buddy Bacon, on trespassers. Really, the only clichéd thing about the movie is that the main interlopers happen to be drunken, sex-crazed teenagers. I can't remember if there's any nudity, but I sure not, because the few girls I saw in the beginning looked like they probably got their dicks chopped off in Tijuana.

Rural settings are par for the course in this sub-genre, and while the script still depicts salt-of-the-earth folk as totally fucking nuts, they give them real identity and purpose. They're crazy and fucked up, sure, but they're also contending with a major bummer looming on their horizon. So, we don't just get a bevy of bucked tooth hicks who spew forebodings about some one-dimensional villain. The bad guys here are actually socially relevant. Check out the trailer.

There are two cuts of this film. Only in Germany and America does the film retain its most graphic situations. Meanwhile, English Parliament still had the video nasties' stick up its pale keister, so the thing got hacked to pieces. While doing a little reading about the various cuts I ran across a great website which provided a rather detailed comparison between the cut and uncut versions. If you're one of those people who's really fascinated by regional differences in films, then bookmark Movie Censorship.

In the mean time, I guess I’ll just have to seek out another copy… and maybe some duct tape.

NEW ARRIVALS IV: THE HOLY SHITTENING

Ladies and gentlemen, "The Boneyard" has come home to daddy. Starring Normal Fell and Phyllis Diller in minor but noteworthy roles, this rarely seen 1991 horror comedy follows a b-team as they attempt to thwart a pack of zombie children fouling up a morgue. Amongst the vast number of dumbass zombie movies out there, this is a gleaming gem. The story is original, the production design is memorable, and the special effects exceed what you'd find in your typical low budget horror film by miles. Of course, that has a lot to do with the fact that this was directed by James Cummins, who also did the effects on films such as "House," "Swamp Thing," "The Beast Within," "Dead & Buried," "Enemy Mine," and a slew of others. It's criminal that this guy never had the opportunity to make more films. He's done enough quality work to deserve having his name mentioned more frequently.

The innovatively titled TV movie “Copperhead: The Snake Movie” found its way into one of my boxes this week. Shot in 1983, the film follows a family of swamp dwellers whose leader enjoys filleting snakes for fun. Eventually the snakes get pissed and seek revenge against the family. Apparently, MANY snakes were actually harmed during the making of this film. The fact that this is a TV movie makes me think it’s going to kill.

"The Incredible Melting Man" is gross, but in a very fun way. Steve West returns to Earth after passing through the rings of Saturn on a NASA expedition. Once he returns though, he not only starts to melt, but develops a passion for cannibalism.

I have not seen "Curse of the Blue Lights" since 1988, when it first hit direct-to-video horror shelves. Available reviews are biting, but I recall a fun plot and some great effects. This lowest of low budget action horror flicks follows a pack of teens fighting a coven of monsters and zombies living beneath their local cemetery. A fun one, but I have a feeling my recollection of the film has been betrayed by the retarded kid in me.

I got really excited when I saw Nico Mastorakis’ name over the title of this film. I got even MORE excited when I learned he didn’t direct it. I can’t explain the logic in that, but "Grandma’s House" looks pretty awesome. This one has somehow managed to elude me until now.

I literally got goose bump when I received Cannon’s Ninja trilogy in the mail earlier this past week. Fuck "Sukiyaki Western Django!" "Enter the Ninja" has Franco Nero as a fucking NINJA! Here, watch this and learn something, assholes!

The sequel, "Revenge of the Ninja," has absolutely nothing to do with the characters or the story in the previous films for some reason. And neither does "Ninja III: The Domination," which is part Ninja ass-kicker part supernatural thriller. Journey deep into the churning bowels of this cinematic mash-up as an unwitting American chick is possessed by the spirit of a powerful assassin. If you're not sold yet, then you better run motherfucker!

More awesome martial arts action arrived, this time via South Africa, with "Kill Or Be Killed," and its wretched pseudo sequel "Kill and Kill Again," both starring James Ryan. I struggled to find trailers for these, but failed, which bums me out because they are some of the best I’ve ever seen for any action movie. Here’s a short TV teaser.

I have been searching for 1988’s "Prison" for many years now. This is another one I haven’t seen since it hit the straight-to-video shelf. Somewhat of a rarity on tape now, I'd avoided this purchase for a while because it was cost-prohibitive. In spite of the fact that this was directed by Renny Harlin, it’s actually very good, and after you get a gander at just the trailer, you’ll be left wondering why Harlin's "A Nightmare On Elm Street 4" looks like such a candy colored turd. In "Prison," the malevolent spirit of an executed inmate returns to cause major problems. This is a must see for fans of Viggo Mortensen. Check it out:

The box for this one looks like bullshit, but I am SO happy to have found "Girly," aka “Mumsy, Nanny, Sonny, and Girly.” Directed by Hammer alumni, Oscar winner, David Lynch DP, and all-around God of photography Freddie Francis, here’s a plot synsopsis from IMDb.

“A wealthy, fatherless British clan kidnaps bums and hippies and forces them to participate in an elaborate role-playing game in which they are the perfect family; those who refuse or attempt escape are ritualistically murdered.”

Fuck. Yes.

A bunch of “St. Elmo’s Fire” type faggots wind up in a mystical, murderous wax museum in this surprisingly gory little sleeper hit. While 1988 was a GREAT year for horror, it was possibly the genre's last GOOD year. "Waxwork" is definitely a 1988 notable, which is saying something considering all the cool stuff that hit video stores and theaters around that time. Until this week, the 1992 sequel was all I’d had in my collection.

The 1980 Italian horror thriller "Screamers" sounds like another Moreau ripoff. Here, fleeing convicts land on an island which is inhabited by some scientist who splices fish with men because calling Brinks for a home security system would be way too much trouble. I’m guessing the version I have has some added American footage, because the original Italian release, entitled “Island of the Fishmen” doesn’t have Lord Cameron Mitchell in it. The box for the Embassy Home Entertainment release I have is incredibly deceptive, featuring a skinless man in unbuttoned trousers, with the caption, "they're men turned inside out. And worse... they're still alive." I wanted to see THAT fucking movie, but whatever. Here’s a trailer.

Two important rules of thumb: 1) a week without a Media Home Entertainment release is a sad week indeed, and; 2) if a lot of people like something it probably means it is horrible. "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" is not only a Media release, but it is universally reviled as one of the worst movies ever made. That probably means it kicks ass.

Find of the week: "Zombie Nightmare" starring Adam West, Jon Mikl Thor, and Tia Carrere. The soundtrack features Motorhead, Girlschool, Thor, Virgin Steele, and motherfucking Pantera. Enough said, my friends. Couldn’t find a trailer, but you can watch the first few minutes of the movie here from the MST3K episode, which featured the film. Enjoy.

NEW ARRIVALS II

Lots of crazy stuff arrived at the Tower of Fundon this week, including a lot of tapes that I haven’t seen, which is always exciting.

I managed to get my hands on a copy of "Twilight People" for a decent price. I've seen this particular version of this tape go for ridiculous prices. A Moreau rip-off, this flick ditches all the moral grandstanding and gets to the damn point by cramming perverted freaks down our throat. Pam Grier plays the Panther Woman during one of her first film roles.

“Don’t Go In The House” might be a boring slasher copycat if it didn’t HAVE A DUDE KNOCKING PEOPLE OFF WITH A FUCKING FLAME THROWER!

Holy shit, "The Amazing Transplant" is about a dude who turns into a rapist after receiving a penis transplant from a questionable source. Sounds like "Mad Love," only it’s about dicks.

Joe Don Baker alert! "The Pack" sounds kind of like “Who Can Kill a Child,” but with dogs instead of stupid little kids.

"The Godsend" has often been accused of taking from "The Omen," but I think it borrows more from "The Bad Seed." At any rate, this one deserves another look from horror fans.

The box art for "Eyes of Fire" is particularly memorable, yet in all my schlepping around in the horror section as a kid I never was compelled to pick it up. Set against a Colonial backdrop, witchcraft seems to be the focus of this thriller. Check out this ultra-bizarre clip.

I don’t care what anyone says. Fassbinder crony Ulli Lomell fuckin' sucks. However, "The Devonsville Terror" haunts my childhood memories. Nice to have this one back.

Cameron Mitchell is the man, but "Nightmare in Wax" still doesn’t sound very good. I read a review on IMDB that said producer Rex Carlton actually borrowed money from the mafia to make these films, and killed himself when he couldn’t pay the debt back. Way to go, dude!

By all accounts "Blade of the Ripper" sounds like a stalwart Euro thriller. Meanwhile, the box looks like something Joe Spinelli would be in. Check out this awesome trailer. The music kills me. I have to watch this one soon.

Via Something Weird, "Bummer" is about a rock band exploits a bunch of groupies. However, their fat bassist can’t get laid and eventually snaps. Sounds like gold to me, but most fans of Friedman say this thing blows. We shall see.

"Avenger X," also known as "Mister X" was apparently a major source of inspiration for Bava’s “Danger: Diabolik.” Should be fun.

Score of the week: Larry Cohen’s “God Told Me To” follows a detective investigating a string of random violent acts, which all seem to lead back to a man claiming to be the second coming of Christ. Cohen manages to fuse UFO lore with Biblical mythology to create one of the most bizarre films I’ve ever seen. Keep an eye out for Andy Kaufman as a cop who goes apeshit during the Saint Patty’s day parade.