Saturday, July 31, 2010


There’s nothing worse than mob mentality. Witch burnings usually begin with a single piece of kindling, but once the fire gets roaring every goon in the village has to get in on that action by tossing at least two twigs into the blaze. When I look at the high volume of negative reviews for this film, I get the impression that these people are just trying to belong to something, even if its core is negative. After all, most “Piranha II: The Spawning” detractors aren’t what I'd call educated connoisseurs of cinema. I mean, we're talking limp dick motherfuckers who use bullshit terminology like "instant classic" and manage to not fall asleep during "Titanic."

Almost every review of this film begins with some introduction that says something like, "it's hard to believe that this came from the guy who did 'T2' and 'Avatar'" ... as if the guy made some quantum leap from this film into the realm of golden auteur. First of all, not really. In fact, most of his movies are mediocre. Second, fuck James Cameron. What kind of millionaire prick takes fifteen fucking years to make ONE fucking movie? Seriously, it took him FIFTEEN FUCKING YEARS to make that last cinematic mud pie of his! With all its technical glitches and budgetary constraints, "Piranha II" kicks the shit out of “Avatar," because at least it’s not an overblown, hamfisted, preachy mess, bogged down with every cliché from the magical negro to the so-called villainy of big business. What a hypocritical ball of self-loathing shit. I don't understand why the guy hasn't blown his brains out by now. Oh, I know why. Because he probably cries himself to sleep on a giant pile of money every night while being viciously fellated by his grateful wife. Screw you, "Nader."

Crawling with camp bug bites, “Piranha II: The Spawning” is at the very least an amusing stand-alone sequel, which borrows one principal element from Joe Dante’s original 1978 film: genetically engineered piranha. However, this film deserves credit for taking the concept into the realm of bat shit absurdity. While the Piranha in the original film were modified to exist in both fresh and salt water, the writer of this film decided that science is way too boring, and that they needed to take this shit to the next level by giving them the power of flight. That's right. These motherfuckers fly around with wings and shit.

What makes this film particularly special is that it’s played with a completely straight face, and yet it manages to be much funnier than the original, which was an intended satire of "Jaws." I really hope that when Joe Dante saw this movie that deep down he regretted not coming up with the idea of flying piranha first, because it is pure gold. And I'm totally with the writer, too. If you're going to get into a lab and start fucking with the genetic makeup of a creature, just go for broke. Don't just pervert nature. Ball-gag it and cum all over it's fucking face. Really, this film's only true fundamental flaw is that they didn't give the piranha laser eye beams, too.

As a piece of entertainment, this film has incredible merit. The most fascinating thing about the movie is obviously the piranha themselves, which look more like Munsters-brand bats than actual flying fish. The garbage effects are the bane of what should be credited as a really ambitious concept. Nevertheless, the failure to realize this super cool idea is still totally awesome and really fun to watch.

YouTube keeps taking the trailer for this movie down, but I found one in Japanese. I think every movie trailer ought to be in Japanese, don't you? Enjoy.

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